So far, it is pretty sweet, but it likes punching you in the face. Returnal releases on PlayStation 5 on April 30. But what is all this other stuff? WHY ARE THERE TREES HERE? AHHH! FLYING THINGS! I have to dodge all this crap and fight the boss at the same time? DODGE! JUMP! SHOOT! SHOOT! Is that the boss? That looks like the boss. What is this mountain with the spotlights? If I climb the mountain and stay out of the spotlights, will I get to the boss fight? Is this the end of the first biome? Did I actually make it?.Why the hell can't I get into the house? Everyone says they can get into the house, but the house isn't letting me in.Wait? Is that the house? I found the house! I actually found the house!.I can't believe the guy from IGN said he got through this in his first run.The weirdo in the spacesuit is back again.AHHH! It's because that dead me was fighting this horrible thing! Why is it shooting so many light balls at me? RUN! RUN!.Oh hey, its one of my old dead bodies! If I scan it, it shows me a death scene.Oh wait, there's actually cool stuff down here.Why is the floor collapsing? Why is this game so mean?.Look, some of the golden moneys on the ground.It's like a Wasteland trait, it helps me and screws me at the same time. Hey, what is this? IT'S CRAWLING UP MY ARM! IT'S EMBEDDING IN MY FLESH!.Don't see that happening too often, but nice. Oh, if I shoot a bunch of stuff in a row without getting hit, I get some perks.Okay, shoot the burpy dogs, shoot the flying things, shoot the moving trees.My character is telling me I have to do better.Who is that weirdo in the space suit injecting himself into my sweet crash sequence?.Ahhhhh! The tree stuck me to the ground! It spits tree-glue! What the hell?.Hey, if I shoot these purple 'splody flower things, I can get the golden moneys! Sweet!.Wait, does this thing shoot lightning? Eat it, stupid dogs!.Are those things flying? Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Okay, I can handle these burp dogs now.Wait, now there are SIX burp dogs! Lightballs are everywhere! Charlie's up in the trees! Jump! Jump! Jump!.Hey! I killed the burp dogs! There has to be some serious aim assist going on here, because I can't shoot for shit.I'm going to shoot them with my sweet gun. Is that the rain I'm feeling through the controller? Neat.Hey, for a starter gun, this thing is pretty cool.Oh, here is my gun, on my own dead body.This PlayStation 5 game looks better than all the other PlayStation 5 games. Her eyes are two different colors! I'm like space-Bowie, which I've always wanted to be!.I'm afraid of bullet-hell games, and I hate dying. Here, instead, is a collection of thoughts that went through my head during the four-or-so hours I've spent with Returnal, arranged in some sort of chronological order. I need to save up all of those descriptive paragraphs and fancy turns of phrase for the actual review. But - real talk - I've gotta review this thing in a week. The preview embargo on Returnal lifted last night, and I've noticed a lot of folks writing very fancy preview articles about the first two biomes in the game. So far, it has raised my blood pressure, caused me to stomp on the floor so hard I think I chipped a bone in my heel, and given me very strange dreams. Returnal, the new AAA bullet-hell roguelike from Housemarque has been in my hot little hands for about 48 hours.

Returnal embargo